I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. There were many days throughout my life when I cried and there were different reasons for my tears. Some due to the pain of Lupus. Some due to situations I could not control. Some tears were for joy as I accomplished a new task or just for being happy after going through a brief bout of depression, while more recently, my tears were for the loss of my mother – my mother whom I had only really gotten to know two years prior to her passing.
As I reflect on the loss of my mother, I wondered what it would have been like to have been raised by her instead of by strangers who only took me in because of the financial benefits. I wondered would I have turned out any differently than I have. Would I have married three times trying to find love? Would I have become a writer? Would I even be a mother? As I looked at my mother lying on that gurney, lifeless and still, I had so many questions to ask her. Mom, why didn’t you fight for me when the State took me away? Didn’t you want me? Didn’t you love me? Didn’t you miss me? As she lay there, peaceful and at rest from the pain of cancer, I couldn’t help but wonder, “why did you have more children after me since you couldn’t seem to raise me and the other 8 children before me?”
As I reflect on the death of my mother, I realize that I will never get the answers to my questions, at least not the answers I really wanted to hear.
As I reflect on the death of my mother and remember her lifeless body laying on that cold, stainless steel gurney, I remember looking at her bruised lips and wanted to know why she allowed men to abuse her and disfigure her. Why mom?
As I reflect on the questions i want to ask my mother, I realize those are some of the same questions my very own children may want to ask me. “Mom, why didn’t you come get us?” or “Mom, didn’t you love us? Didn’t you want to know how we were doing? Didn’t you miss us? Did you love us?”
My answer to my children is this: I loved you then and I love you now. If I had it to do all over again, I would never have let that happen. I missed you immensely and I wanted desperately to know how you were doing but I just couldn’t get to you. That never meant I didn’t love you”.”Please forgive me”.
As I reflect on LIFE and how I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I wonder if my life would have been any different had my mother raised me.