Missing Mom and Wondering “What IF?”

Today marks the 1-year “anniversary” (if I should call it anniversary, I don’t know) of my mom’s death. My family are upset and still crying as if she actually passed, today. I can understand that but I’m feeling kind of sad, too; not because mom passed, but because I didn’t know her like the rest of my family knew her and two years wasn’t enough time for me to get to really know her. I try to think what it would have been like to be raised with my mother. Although mom had her problems, as we all do, I still catch myself wondering what would have my life been like had I been raised by my mother.

My siblings got hugs I didn’t get. They had heart to heart talks with mom that I will never get.  When they got sick, mom was there to nurse them back to health, but not me. Sometimes I find myself being envious, jealous and yes, even angry when I see the baby pictures, and the pictures of my siblings as they grew up and I am not in any of the pictures. That hurts but I can’t go back and place myself in those photos.

Sometimes I feel as though I got robbed by not having my mom when I was growing up. Sometimes it hurts like I can’t even explain, but then I think of how I turned out and I think my life turned out for the best.

Did I have major problems? Yes, but I can’t blame my mother for that. She could only be who she was at that time. She had issues. A baby son of hers was alive when she went to do her errands but when she got back home, he was dead in the playpen. That caused her to spiral into drunkenness, a trip which she never came back from.

So, on this day of remembering the passing of my mother, 1 year ago today, I wrestle with thoughts of “WHAT IF?” I will never know the answer to that question but I do believe GOD chose this life for me.


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