Tag Archives: jealousy

Missing Mom and Wondering “What IF?”

Today marks the 1-year “anniversary” (if I should call it anniversary, I don’t know) of my mom’s death. My family are upset and still crying as if she actually passed, today. I can understand that but I’m feeling kind of sad, too; not because mom passed, but because I didn’t know her like the rest of my family knew her and two years wasn’t enough time for me to get to really know her. I try to think what it would have been like to be raised with my mother. Although mom had her problems, as we all do, I still catch myself wondering what would have my life been like had I been raised by my mother.

My siblings got hugs I didn’t get. They had heart to heart talks with mom that I will never get.  When they got sick, mom was there to nurse them back to health, but not me. Sometimes I find myself being envious, jealous and yes, even angry when I see the baby pictures, and the pictures of my siblings as they grew up and I am not in any of the pictures. That hurts but I can’t go back and place myself in those photos.

Sometimes I feel as though I got robbed by not having my mom when I was growing up. Sometimes it hurts like I can’t even explain, but then I think of how I turned out and I think my life turned out for the best.

Did I have major problems? Yes, but I can’t blame my mother for that. She could only be who she was at that time. She had issues. A baby son of hers was alive when she went to do her errands but when she got back home, he was dead in the playpen. That caused her to spiral into drunkenness, a trip which she never came back from.

So, on this day of remembering the passing of my mother, 1 year ago today, I wrestle with thoughts of “WHAT IF?” I will never know the answer to that question but I do believe GOD chose this life for me.

 

I Opened My Eyes and What Did My Eyes See

I opened up my eyes and what did my eyes see

They saw a pretty, brown woman staring back at me.

That pretty brown woman lost a lot in life

She even lost her husband, she’s no longer his wife.

But I opened my eyes again and what did I see

A woman jumping out of a box and she looks like me.

She jumped out of complacency

She jumped out of fear

She jumped out of low self respect

She jumped out of care

When I look back at the mirror what did I see

I saw a pretty brown pairs of eyes looking at me.

They liked what they saw. A face all anew

Because I jumped out of that box a brand new you me.

I wrote this poem because I am on the verge of my 49th birthday and I have had myself stuck in a box. That box got built by what others thought I should be for them to get their ministries started. That box got built by what others thought I should be doing for their businesses. That box got built with people taking my gifts and pimping them, all along, my gifts and what I wanted to do, went on the back burner. I AM WORTH IT, JUST LIKE THE NEXT PERSON, BUT i JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT. 
MY GIFTS AND TALENTS WILL MAKE ROOM FOR ME.THE WORD OF GOD TELLS ME SO. SO NO MATER WHAT THE NAY SAYERS SAY, LET THEM SAY IT. CLOSE YOUR EARS TO THE NEGATIVE AND ROLL WITH THE POSITIVE. CLOSE YOUR EARS AND EMOTIONS AWAY FROM THE JEALOUSY AND JEALOUS WORDS SPOKEN. LET YOUR MOUTH PRONOUNCE OVER YOURSELF WHAT EVER GOD HAS PROMISED YOU SO THAT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND GET IT DONE. AMEN.

If LOVE Abounded…..

LOVE means different things to different people. For some, LOVE is a feeling that changes depending upon the situation going on. To others, LOVE see’s no evil, speaks no evil, hears no evil. Then again, to some, LOVE means that I have to beat you up to show you how much I LOVE you. Well, LOVE should not hurt. LOVE should not seek to destroy. LOVE can dislike certain behaviors, but still LOVE the person.
I have personally seen people claim to LOVE but then use that person whom they LOVE so much as a punching bag. How, I ask, is that LOVE? How can you hurt, physically, the one you LOVE? How can you punch, slap, throw down on the ground, kick, cut, and/or shoot the one you LOVE? Please tell me WHERE IS LOVE IN THAT?

LOVE agree’s to disagree. LOVE forgives. LOVE helps, NOT hurts. 

NO MATTER WHAT, LOVE DOES NOT ABUSE OTHERS.

NO MATTER WHAT, LOVE DOES NO HARM TO OTHERS, INTENTIONALLY.

NO MATTER WHAT, LOVE IS SOMETHING GOOD…..

Don’t try to use the “tough love” excuse to abuse someone. That’s not LOVE. Tough LOVE is putting somebody in rehab because they keep abusing themselves and others. Tough LOVE is telling somebody the truth because you see them heading in the wrong direction and you’re trying to keep them from danger. Sometimes, tough LOVE means walking away.

AMERICA needs to turn back to LOVE. 

If LOVE would abound, there wouldn’t be so much divorce. LOVE would cause one to have control of their vessel and do the right thing. If you LOVE me, you wouldn’t cheat on me and if I LOVE you, I wouldn’t cheat on you. 
If LOVE abounded, there wouldn’t be murder, rape, child abuse, molestation, stealing and character assassination. Where is the LOVE IN THAT?

If LOVE abounded, there would be no racism. If LOVE abounded, there would be no hate crimes against those who are different from us.

If LOVE abounded, people could argue or disagree and come back together as if nothing happened.

If LOVE abounded, there would be no welfare because people would be helpers of one another. If LOVE abounded, people wouldn’t try to use others.

If LOVE abounded, there wouldn’t be as many homeless people on the streets. 

If LOVE abounded, prisons wouldn’t be.

If LOVE abounded……