I LOVE MY HUSBAND!
So, as I was writing my chapter for the book “Dear Lord, I Married The Wrong Person – HER STORY“, I had a chance to reflect on the turmoil I had actually gone through with that man. I remembered how I KNEW he was lying about doing drugs and sleeping with other women to get drugs, but he would come home after two or three days and sweet talk me and I would let him back in – to live like everything was ok.
I remembered how this man would look me in my face and convince ME that the reason he was on drugs was MY FAULT. Get this: HE WAS ON DRUGS BEFORE I EVER MET HIM!! But because I didn’t want him to leave me, I allowed him to tell me that it was my fault and I found myself apologizing to him for making him so miserable that he wanted and needed to do drugs.
I also remembered how he used to steal my money. I would go to work while he sat home. I worked long hours every day. While I was at work, he was scheming on how to get my money. I would hide the money in various locations in the house and he would find it. I don’t til this day, know how he would find the money, but he did. When he would steal it, I would ask him why and he told me HE HAD TO STEAL it because I wouldn’t GIVE IT to him.
See, I was his enabler. I was co-dependent. I was so afraid of rejection or abandonment that I put up with his crap. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want another failed relationship. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t my man love me enough to leave the drugs alone? Wasn’t I good enough? Wasn’t I worth loving? I couldn’t bear the thought of not being woman enough to keep a man, even a drug-addicted man. Darn!!! I MUST BE ugly, not good for anything. I MUST BE worthless and undeserving of love.
So against my better judgment, I stayed with him. I tried to trick him into going to rehab. I tried to bribe him into rehab. I even tried to get him to go to marriage counselling with me but he would not budge. I felt defeated. I felt like a loser. This just made me feel worse about myself. This just made me rehearse the words I had heard as a child: “You’re worthless. You’ll never be anything. Nobody in their right mind will ever want you. You’re a foster child and foster children are no good”. I thought, “maybe they were right”.
This is an excerpt from a book which I co-authored with 14 other women – Dear Lord, I Think I Married The Wrong Person – HER STORY. In this excerpt, I talk about how I thought I was super spiritual and how that false impression of myself got me two years of hell. Note***I mistakenly say “fast forward to 1977. I meant to say 1997:***
In this book, “Dear Lord, I Think I Married the Wrong Person,” I speak about “Unholy Matrimony”.
Here’s an excerpt: “In June of 1996, upon my return to Philadelphia, I was lonely, depressed and looking for love. Not really love, but for the attention from which I felt I deserved. I was looking for a man who as going to treat me like I had dreamed – love on me no matter what: tell me that I was beautiful no matter what I looked like. A man who was handsome, patient, had money to buy me things, and would take me out to dinner.I wanted a man who could stand up and be a man in any situation; I wanted a man who understood this broken woman; this mentally and physically abused woman; this woman who had hang-ups about sex due to being raped. I wanted a man to love the little girl who was abandoned by her mother at the age of 9 months. I wanted a man who would hold me and tell me everything would be alright. Yes, I was dreaming and I was foolish enough to believe that a man, a mere man could take on all that baggage I was carrying around”.
As I sat here typing this excerpt, I realized I expected a man to do what only GOD could do for me and was to HEAL ME.
Abuse, if not addressed, can cause life-long problems for the abused as well as for the abuser. NO FORM OF ABUSE IS OK AT ANY TIME. People were not made to be abused. We were created in love, by GOD and we are to demonstrate love to others; however, we know that we do not live in a perfect world but we can do better.
If you would like more information about this book of which I was one of 15 female authors, please contact me via Facebook @ Theresa Godismakingmeoveragain Scott.